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Suzie is like the friend that you don’t want around your other friends.. especially around liquor.

This episode will end in a toast. And then another toast. And then two more toasts. But before we get to that, let’s go back to last week, when Tami let Kesha have it. Everyone is still talking about it, so we might as well, too.

Tami and Evelyn meet wit tacky Shaunie to brief her on all the new drama with the new girls. Even though Tami and Kesha had it out last week and Tami explains that she gave Kesha a little “This is how it is” talking-to, Kenya’s little laughing fit during that whole thing didn’t go unnoticed. Evelyn feels like she’s usually pretty good at figuring people out, but Kenya is actually a tough one to figure out. “Kenya has us fooled and we don’t know what to believe,” Evelyn says.

You know how Kenya has taken a shine to Jennifer?  Maybe it’s for the best because no one seems to know how to act with either of them. During their dinner, Shaunie tells Ev and Tami that she’s having a birthday dinner, and that Jennifer is also invited. Hey, it’s Shaunie’s birthday, she can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, but all Evelyn asks is that she not have to look at Jennifer during the party. “Truthfully, I hope that we have some form of entertainment at the birthday party,” Tami says. And truthfully, she’s going to get some.

Now begins our fish out of water tale of Suzie — amazing Suzie, with her white fur vest and beret — visiting Kesha’s family farm in North Carolina with Royce and saying things like


I’ve never been in something like this, ever,” Suzie says of the pickup truck Kesha pulls up in. “Is this really your car? This is definitely no Escalade.” And yet Jen is the one labeled bougie? “This is a family farm, right? I’ve only driven by farms, I’ve never been on a farm,” Suzie continues.

As Kesha tells the story of her mother falling in love with her dad and the struggle of being biracial, Suzie chimes in “I’m not black but I like chocolate too, sometimes.” “Yeah, you do,” Royce concurs. I’m kidding, sort of, about Suzie’s bougie-ness, this trip seems good for her and Kesha definitely seems to be growing on her. Although the sight of so many chickens on the far is still a total shot to her, as is the experience of riding ATV’s around.

Royce gets the hang of it right quick

and Suzie, a jet-ski enthusiast doesn’t actually have a major issue with it either.

They also spend time with Kesha’s family (who are all blonde-haired and blue eyed and Royce is like “She isreally half-white. I thought maybe it was going to be like, brunettes, or people who were really tan, but no.”) and they discuss the difficulties of growing up as a mixed-race family, and at least for Suzie and Royce, it’s an eye-opening experience.

Royce’s eyes are also opened to the meal that Kesha had with the rest of the women (you know, the “Bitch, bitch, and more bitch” meal). “It was a night of pure hell,” Kesha tells Royce, and Royce vows to talk to Tami. “If the next time you see me, I’m scratched up and bruised, you know it didn’t go well,” she says. But judging from last week’s blog war, we’re curious what their status actually is at the moment.

Kenya, who as we know wants to form a bond with Jennifer, goes shopping with her and they chat about their divorces and rocky friendships. Once again, Jen uses the line about how she’s “eliminating drama from my life. I got rid of my husband so no one is exempt,” and she continues, saying “I don’t have a problem with Evelyn, she has a problem with me.”

Jen advises Kenya that the nightlife in Miami is great too, perfect for a newly-single girl on the prowl. “Miami is a big party city,” she says

I had no idea.

Jennifer also hangs out with Tami to clear up whether or not it was Tami who bailed on the Lucid launch party, or if Jen actually didn’t invite her. “I haven’t seen you since before your launch party, which I wasn’t invited to,” Tami tells Jen.

“I could have sworn that I had invited her,” Jen says, “but maybe it slipped my mind.” It’s hard to tell is she really regrets her brain-fart, or if she just didn’t even register it. “I was like well, alright Missy Poo, then!” Tami responds. Tami’s also not going to let slide the thing that everyone’s been thinking, that Jennifer has changed and doesn’t have time for her old friends. Jen doesn’t do much to rebut the accusations, she does go out to the clubs more, but like, so what?

Suzie, Royce and Kesha are back in Miami now, and you know how we really thought that Suzie learned something from her trip to North Carolina? I mean, she did, sort of. But since she’s Suzie, she kind of puts what she learned in still-blissfully-ignorant terms. “It was crazy,” Suzie tells Jen about visiting Kesha. “There were true rednecks, but they were nice rednecks which was weird for me, I thought all rednecks and hillbillies were racist.” Aww.

Royce makes good on her promise to check in with Tami, too, about the whole dinner debacle, and she rolls on over to see her at the beach.

“Royce has this epiphany about Kesha because she went to her house and visited her family and that she doesn’t know the black side of her family and so all that has made her so compassionate towards Kesha. I’m saying girl, we all have issues, don’t nobody give a f— about me, so I don’t give a damn about Kesha in this moment.”

Royce wants Tami and Kesha to talk this out, but Tami refuses. And that’s that.

I can’t believe we haven’t even gotten to Shaunie’s birthday yet! God. Let’s do that now.

Shaunie invited everyone (okay, no Royce and Kesha) to her birthday party, and there is no seating arrangement that can prevent what’s about to go down. When Evelyn arrives, she seems to make a point of giving everyone but Jen a kiss and a hug. Fine, no biggie. But when it comes time to toast, everyone’s had a few drinks and things are going to get hairy.

Kenya is the first to toast. I won’t even tell you what she said, I’ll just let you relish everyone’s reactions to what she said.

When Kenya finishes her weirdly personal, over-long speech, Suzie chimes in “Shaunie, our bank accounts thank you! Right Tami? Off of food stamps!” Since we’re doing reaction shots, here’s Shaunie’s face when Suzie utters that line.

“I instantly though, how long would it take for me to shimmy down this table and choke the f— out of her?” Tami says. And friends, this isn’t even the worst toast of the night. So.

Since the night is only about awkwardness at this point, Evelyn’s speech to Shaunie is about to start the cringe-ball rolling. Everyone is very grateful for Shaunie’s friendship and check-signing abilities, but Evelyn makes a very pointed comment that she hopes “As a friend, that I’ve never changed to you and I will forever be loyal to you.” She is weeping, Shaunie is weeping, everyone’s eyes are basically glistening as a result of hthe heartfelt speech, and Jen’s reaction?

So of course Jen has a toast to give too, because she is not one to be outspeeched. This is truly a comedy of speeches right now.

Jen goes on an on about herself and being a business woman and..well, here’s what Evelyn thinks.

“Guys! Evelyn has another toast!” Evelyn says in third person. Wait, NOW this is truly a comedy of speeches. I can’t. This one is a lot less weepy-touchy-feely though.

“I want to toast to loyalty…to not talking s— about your mother f—ing friends on blogs…And let’s sum it up with being loyal to your friends,” she says, directing everything at Jen.

“Let’s add in ‘Not being disrespectful’ either,” Jen says, with her glass raised.

“You’re the fakest b—h at the table just like the mother-f—ing contacts in your eyes,” Evelyn yells across the table, and at this point, Shaunie is done with her own party.

“You wanna talk s—? You ain’t about this life!” Evelyn yells at Jennifer as she’s escorted by Shaunie out of the restaurant (but not before jabbing Jennifer’s head with her purse).

Jennifer has only one thing to say about the way this has escalated. “Wow.” That’s how we feel, too.


-Stay Fly!

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