April 5, 2012

This is the rage Keri Hilson must feel whenever she sees progression in Beyonce’s life.

Or even Rihanna’s for that matter.

As you can see, Evelyn goes bananas this week over a comment Kenya said. Or heard. Or said she heard. And Kenya doesn’t really understand what the BFD is.

“Honestly, of all the things you can be called, ‘loose’ makes you go bananas?” Kenya asks the air at the beginning of this episode. Once again we begin where we left off last week, on the roof of the Gansevoort Hotel, where it’s a long way down, but after hearing Kenya and Evelyn argue about whether or not Kenya really said Ev was “loose,” Kesha excuses herself and makes her exit and Kenya’s eyes are saying “Thanks for nothing, b—h.

Kesha, who was brought to the hotel by Evelyn to square off with Kenya for the title of “Most Truthful Newbie OnBasketball Wives,” grew tired of Kenya’s supposed lies, so she pulled out the big guns and told Evelyn that what they’d been discussing up to that point was nothing compared to this gem she’d been keeping in her back pocket, this nugget of information implying that Kenya told Kesha during a conversation about all the women on this here show, that she thought Evelyn was loose. Of course, Kenya turns this into a semantics issue, she claims she can’t remember is she ever said Evelyn was loose. But what she does remember saying is that she heard Evelyn was loose. I think that’s the crux of her defense, at least. However, Kenya continues to dig herself into a little hole because what she tells the women on the roof is different from what she admits in her confessionals.”You will not find me saying one thing one time, and another thing another time,” Kenya says. Cut to:

Evelyn and Tami are so confused because not ten minutes earlier, when Kesha brought this up, Kenya flat out denied Kesha’s accusations. “‘I’ve heard’ is not saying ‘She’s a ho.’ Different,” Kenya maintains. “I can’t get anything out on the table, because I don’t know exactly what I said.” And that, friends, is going to be a problem.

There goes those bright ass eye shadow colors again! Her new makeup line “E” looks like a rip-off of Coastal Scents [you know what I'm referring to: [peep the visual- props to @FRESHALINA]

“In her sick, crazy mind, she believes the bulls— that she’s coming up with,” Evelyn says. Evelyn has every right to be upset because she’s the one this whole thing is directed at, but at the same time, who cares? These are all adult women. Glass houses, stones, etc, etc. Why is this an issue in this day and age? (I apologize to readers who might note hints of a feminist soapbox every so often in my recaps, but seriously, let’s get over this judgey bulls—.) I do love how Evelyn, when she does acknowledge her behavior, brings Suzie into it with her. “I’m a grown-ass women, Yes, I f—. Suzie, you f—.” And Suzie is like, is someone talking to me?

Suzie looks like a Rattata!

“Crazy people can only pretend to act normal for so long,” Suzie says, moving the attention off of herself. And we allllll know that Suzie’s been saying Kenya is crazy for, like, decades, and she reiterates it when she gets together with Jennifer and Kesha. They fill Jen in on what went down with Kenya and after a brief detour into kitten heel bashing, Jen tells them she’s surprised by all of this because the Kenya she knows has always acted perfectly normal. “I’m baffled. She really does not act like that around me,” Jen says.

‘Cause you’re her idol,” Kesha tells Jen. “She wants to be you so bad.” This, too, is news to Jennifer.

“Well, she gotta drop them kitten heels first then,” Jen responds.

Evelyn sits down with Shaunie to fill her in on the situation too, which is priceless only for Evelyn’s impression on Tami’s face.

“This is a disaster,” Shaunie says. But as Shaunie will see later, a disaster is what happens when you let this s— get real at a restaurant with wine bottles lining the walls for decoration. Evelyn’s frustration is about to be unleashed.

Kenya announces that she’s meeting with “her favorite,” Jennifer, to also discuss matters, and Jen, who has done a good job of removing herself from the circle, advises her that everyone talks about everyone and there’s always drama no matter who’s involved. When you watch you’re like, okay, I can see where these two are frien—-hey is Kenya actually wearing mid-calf argyle socks??? That match her all-pink ensemble? And then you get totally distracted and just pray she had a golf date that afternoon and then you forget what everyone was talking about.

Royce is all about business this week, because she’s working on a fitness DVD and she’s visiting with Tami to tell her all about the off-Broadway play she’s in, too. Suzie and Kesha are coming up to see her perform, and as soon as Tami hears those two names, Tami’s out. Tami tells Royce about Suzie’s food stamps comment and Tami tells her “Suzie needs to be on pause for the moment.” Tami’s also having second thoughts about working with Kenya on her music, and Royce sympathizes. Tami volunteers Royce to come with her to check out a choir that Kenya wants to work with and Royce begrudgingly accepts.

Mindless Behavior! The post-modern Immature, who became IMX, who became the offspring of B2K, who became the brothers of B5, who are the step-relatives of Brutha, who are distantly related to ATL!

Damn.

In other drama-free news, Shaunie gets the positive, family friendly storyline wherein she gets her daughter Mimi a visit from Mindless Behavior (“the new Justin Bieber,” I learned) for her birthday. It’s adorable when Mimi sees them show up at her birthday and cries and can hardly speak, but it’s even more thrilling when they bring her on stage to their concert.

Shaunie definitely deserves the Mother Of The Year trophy for pulling out all the stops, but on a season so heavily sprinkled with accusations of bullying and who’s a loose ho and who’s crazy, it’s just an odd story to juxtapose next to a wine bottle wielding Evelyn.

Royce is giving you MULAN tease!!! YASSS!!! That hair is laid like barbecue sauce on top of 4 chicken wings and pork fried rice!!! [with a egg roll and homemade iced tea!!! YASSS!!!]

ROYCE, come and get your life! Cause this is the only time we EVER saw it for you

Royce and Suzie have a make-up chat where Royce advises Suzie on the best way to apologize to Tami for her “food stamp” comment, and Suzie once again begs Royce to consider re-friending Jennifer. “I’m kinda over it,” Royce says, because she still thinks, much like Evelyn does, that a lot of the things Jennifer blogs about is about her for no real reason. “A lot of what she says hits below the belt,” Royce explains, however, Royce is not like Evelyn in that she can live and let live. “I’m grown, I can coexist with anyone.”

So Royce mediates (i.e. sits between) Suzie and Tami as Suzie profusely apologizes for her comments. This is one mediation that actually goes smoothly. “I definitely appreciated Suzie apologizing because I needed her to understand where I was coming from. Because if she doesn’t, she’s gonna get popped in her face,” Tami says.

Now, of course, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, has arrived. Kesha has brought her friend Sakara in to corroborate her story that Kenya actually did call Evelyn loose, so they all meet for dinner at one of Miami’s finest wine caves. “Just don’t pick up a bottle and throw it at her head,” Suzie tells Evelyn, and thus, an idea is born.

When Sakara and Kesha enter

Kenya looks…not thrilled.

Kesha explains right away why Sakara is there and Evelyn is not wasting any time getting an explanation from Kenya. “What do you have to say?” she asks.

Kenya holds that she’s already said everything she had to say back on the rooftop, but when pressed for exactly what it is she said about Ev, she calmly says “I don’t even know you.”

Kenya is serving Shirley Chisolm!!

“So why say something that you don’t even know?” Evelyn asks. “She’s so cocky and calm with it, and that’s what irks me.”

“You’re fake, you look crazy as hell, you try to walk around looking like mother-f—ing Jennifer,” Evelyn says, and when the Jen comparisons come out, you know things are going to get real. “Your WEAVE is starting to look like Tami’s!” she continues. And Tami’s like, why are you bringing ME into this?

“Tell me you said that s—,” Evelyn dares her.
“Like I said before,” Robot Kenya responds measuredly, “I. Don’t. Remember.” And that’s where Evelyn, who has already removed her earrings, I mean, someone should have seen this coming while she did that, loses her mind

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