Sunday, reality TV struck GOLD, with the premiere of The Dance Scene, Khloe and Lamar, and the drama of Celebrity Apprentice.
And SFPL was there to document everything!
The last time we left the men and women of The Celebrity Apprentice, Richard Hatch was just booted from the boardroom into the Town Car of Fate. But things were not all prime rib and FloMax on the guys’ team. The remaining four dudes have just about had it up to here with Gary Busey.
Things aren’t much peachier on the ladies’ side of things. La Toya Jackson is once again moaning about how the rest of her team is scheming against her. Everyone in her life has been scheming against her. Janet, Joe, The Psychic Friends Network…
Since she was the project manager for last week’s competition, Marlee Matlin hands over a check for last week’s winnings — ONE MILLION DOLLARS! — to the head of the Starkey Hearing Foundation. Now I’m sure that Bill Austin is a great guy. His charity does some seriously great work by helping hundreds of thousands of people around the world get hearing aids.
The two teams meet on the rooftop of one of Trump’s skyline blights to find out the parameters of their next dumb task. Before Trump can get to the inaugural mention of whatever third-rate company ponied up enough money to be on the show, John Richthanks the Donald for allowing both of last week’s project managers to donate their money to their respective charities.
Trump reiterates that he wouldn’t have allowed it if he were in the competition but the two PMs must be nicer than him. It’s kind of hard to imagine someone being more unlikable than Trump at this point! This dude doesn’t know how to handle himself
This week’s competition is stupid even by Celebrity Apprentice standards. Both teams are required to decorate a ten-by-ten box in the middle of New York City to promote a suntan lotion called Australian Gold.
The guys select Mark McGrath as their project manager, and La Toya Jackson volunteers herself to lead the ladies. NeNe Leakes looks at the Other Ms. Jackson like she’s insane —
Mark McGrath talks about how he’s playing for Save the Music, an organization that helps keep music education in public schools. Which is pretty selfless when you think about it, because the first thing that any music teacher would explain to a group of kids is that bands like Sugar Ray are . . eh
And the cheap shit suntan-lotion company proudly announces that they’ll match Trump’s meager twenty grand with a twenty grand of their own. That might sound generous if you’re one of the people who only experience this show through these recaps. But if you’re actually watching the show, you know that works out to about three dollars for each time they say the words “Australian Gold.”
The dudes break off to figure out their marketing strategy, eventually settling on the concept of pirates hoarding the buried treasure of … suntan lotion. Gary Busey disagrees with this because he has never seen a pirate slather himself in SPF 15!
On the ladies’ side, La Toya is running things with an iron fist, delegating jobs to everybody but herself. And she won’t settle on an actual concept. She was running things with what could best be described as “a Charmin fist.” If she were half as indecisive during the recording of her album No Relations as she is on this episode, she must’ve driven both the executives at Pump Records and Menace — the producer of the album’s hit single, “Sexbox,” duh! — positively crazy!
While Team ASAP is trying to figure out the whims of La Toya Jackson, the trio of Australian Gold magnates shows up to give them guidance.
The execs encourage Team ASAP to utilize their brand mascot Sydney the Koala in their challenge. Now I love koala bears just fine, but Sydney the Koala looks like a straight-up dick, wearing dark sunglasses like he’s too good for the rest of us.
When the lotion execs visit the dudes at Team Backbone, Busey makes a point of mentioning that their product gives people “a sexual feeling.” And Meat Loaf once again inflates the horror of what Gary said, claiming that Gary told the female exec that the product makes him “horny.” -__________________________________________-
The ladies settle on a concept based around two bathing-suit-clad people painted gold in an attempt to highlight the concept of “the gold life.” But La Toya nixes the idea of making one of the models Playmate of the Year Hope Dworaczyk, because La Toya needs her to work the calculators for the team. I’m surprised Trump himself didn’t come down to their office and demand that Hope strip down to a bikini for the challenge, but the man has class. Or he’s too busy looking for Obama’s birth certificate. Either or.
And can Star Jones please leave her dog at home? Nobody loves dogs more than I do, but trust me — your dog wants a break from you once in awhile! They like sleeping at home!
Star is faced with the unenviable task of explaining to La Toya that while she wants twelve promotional banners for the presentation, the costs will reach $7,200 and their entire print budget is $3,500.
Lil Jon is stuck babysitting Gary Busey while the other guys plan out the construction of the glass box, so they head off to the costume shop to gather some props. And it is here that Gary Busey says what might be the scariest line ever while admiring a wall covered in Halloween masks. “Look at those masks … I’m in heaven!”
The women are operating on the other end of the spectrum. Everything is pure chaos, nothing is coming together, and God help me but I’m gonna stick up for Star Jones. You can love her or hate her, but this woman does do the work. I thought she’d be one of the biggest creeps on this show, but she manages to keep her head down and focus on the matter at hand!
La Toya manages to tap into another layer of crazy the next morning when she suggests that the women add a winter theme to the summer theme she’s been beating everybody over the head with. That might not sound too bad, but the day before her flight of fancy she made the women pick up 175 bags of sand from the hardware store. At 50 pounds a bag!
The dudes start setting up their presentation — and can we just marvel one more time at the colossal stupidity of dressing up a huge glass box at the South Street Seaport to sell suntan lotion? — and McGrath is concerned that it’s just not coming together the way it should be. Lil Jon and John Rich show up dressed as pirates.
Team ASAP is prepping their stuff as well, and there are few things as unforgettable as watching NeNe Leakes badmouth La Toya Jackson while wearing a full-body koala suit. She tells the camera during one of the confessionals that “if we win that means the guys sucked.”
Trump drags everybody into the boardroom and before you can say “NeNe shits on La Toya,” NeNe starts shitting on La Toya! In previous weeks, the look on Latoya’s face read : “blah” But now it seems like she’s doing everything she can to not blurt “Don’t you know who my brother is?!”
When Trump turns the spotlight on Team Backbone, Mark McGrath says that his team will live and die by its risky marketing edge and that he will take the responsibility if his team loses. But the team is high on their chances — John brags that “people who could not even speak English were having a blast with us!”
Trump has a bombshell of a reveal for Team Backbone: The executives didn’t like the pirate concept at all and the women won. You were right all along, Busey, you magnificent bastard
Even though the ladies won, you’d think they were in the hot seat the way NeNe and La Toya are brutalizing each other back in the victory suite. NeNe pretty much lays it out, telling La Toya that she disappeared during the task — she even calls her Casper! — and ends her tirade by saying the only reason she has gotten where she is in life is because of her last name.
Back in the boardroom, McGrath is backing off his nobility like the sneaky little sneak I knew he was, telling Trump that he should fire Gary because he’s such a liability. Trump asks Mark to pick two other members for the final confrontation, but he says he can only pick one because all the other guys were so scary perfect. So it’s Mark and Gary going down the line.
Think of it this way: If the five guys on Team Backbone are the band Pavement, at some point Gary Young just has to go, no matter how chaotically thrilling he makes things. It has to happen.
But Trump holds McGrath to his word and fires him.
It was the debut for Khloe and Lamar. We’ve seen ENOUGH of these Kardashian people, but I guess people want to see more.
It turns out Lamar and his dad have been estranged for years, and he’s a former addict. Lamar tries to tell Khloe that his father only came around when he started making it big in the NBA but Khloe keeps pressing the issue.
Khloe’s little brother Rob Kardashian is a major character this season — unfortunately. No offense to Rob, but he is completely boring and serves no purpose on the show. He’s still living with his sister, which I don’t get why they won’t kick him out. And he’s still flakey on his career … but trying to be a music manager of a girl group.
Lamar has a few days off so he and Khloe decide to go to Mexico. But Rob has a freakout because the celebrity All Star NBA Game is the next day and he yells at Lamar for skipping it.
The end of the episode shows Khloe and Lamar walking into the Staples Center for the game. Because they changed their entire trip to Mexico just to please Rob.
The season looks to be filled with Khloe trying for a baby, Rob and (Khloe’s assistant) hooking up, and Lamar’s dad hitting them up for cash. . . . all the time
Not too thrilled with this over saturation of Kardashian, but maybe something good will come from this. Like maybe I’ll learn the reasons not to marry an athlete and why my little brother will never move in.. with my HUSBAND
The Dance Scene
BOOM KACK! 1-2-3- KACK, BOOM KACK, SPIN, 7-8- KACK
Laurieann may be a dance floor diva, but she knows her stuff. “I’ve worked with Lady Gaga,Puff Daddy, Alicia Keys, Missy Elliott, the Dixie Chicks, and the Jonas Brothers. At this point in my career, labels come to me to take their artists to the next level to make them superstars,” Laurieann said. Laurieann did show a softer side when out to dinner with her boyfriend and business partner Joe Wilson, whom she has been secretly dating for 4 years.
It was a bit culturally insensitive when LaurieAnn had her assistant go fetch her some weave, and she didn’t know what a weave was! We see her driving to Inglewood to get some weave. Couldn’t they have made a stop to the Elgin Charles Salon in Beverly Hills?
She explains that she’s ready to let the relationship go public and wants to start walking red carpets with him. Lauriann was very affectionate with Joe and showed that maybe this tough cookie has a softer side!
When all was said and done, The VH1 Divas Salute The Troops performance was flawless. Perhaps it was becuase Laurieann screamed before at the dancers before they went on stage, saying, “Anyone misses a step and I’m going to break your necks!”
[Written By @NiceLookSean]